Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?

So often I hear, I want a boyfriend, I’m married but I’m not happy. I just got divorced and I don’t want to make the same mistake again. When will I find someone? It occurred to me recently that in order to be in a relationship that works, it’s necessary to be ready to enter one. I know that sounds really simple, but if we look at our national divorce rate, you can see that it is not simple. In fact, I seriously doubt that many people consider their readiness for marriage or relationship of any sort. I think the average scenario goes something like this. He is attracted to how she looks. She is attracted to his energy and productivity. They start dating and eventually she thinks it might be a good idea to get married. He goes along because he is sure it’s going to get him regular sex and then all their friends and relatives get excited about their wedding. They have a big celebration and then they start to realize there is more to marriage than living together. Please forgive me for the offensive simplification of this scenario. It is merely an illustration.

My awareness heightened when I began working with clients who were in a state of chaos. They were in various stages of post relationship survival. Their finances were in a shambles. Some were broken hearted, with no self-esteem, out of work, wondering what to do about their rent and utilities payments and seeking coaching about their relationships. Many, I think, were planning on having a new relationship rescue him/her from impending disaster. I started to think about parameters for readiness in relationship. What specific standards and status should be the baseline? What exactly constitutes readiness? What is definite is that nothing is definite. So where do we start?

First is desire. The desire to be part of something is manifested in relationship. You can’t be “in” relationship unless you want to be. Partnership demands a serious time commitment, one on one conversations, planning, dating, socializing, compromising, making love, having sex, playing, working, sleeping, having children and raising them, shopping, cleaning house. Granted, some of these things you would do even if you were not in relationship. However, once you are seriously committed, as in living together, every one of the above -mentioned tasks involves agreement and participation by both partners.

Even prior to living together, finding someone you are willing to try being in relationship with is practically a full time job. So many of the people that I talk with in my work, tell me, I just don’t have the energy to go through the process of dating and getting to know someone well enough to feel comfortable being authentic and intimate. Don’t you agree that many people settle for what they have, even if unsatisfying, because it’s just too much work to change it?

Those that I have coached all the way to marriage and beyond have been serious about getting married. They wanted it, they were willing to do whatever it takes to find and enroll the right partner. They also do whatever it takes to maintain the level of passion and intimacy, production and appetite that are necessary to sustain a healthy, vibrant, satisfying relationship. In other words, they do not assume that once you are in a “marriage” or “committed relationship” that IT will take care of itself.

One seemingly unrelated concept that has forever been an annoyance has to do with loan applications. Bear with me on this. Whenever you submit a loan or credit application, the first response of the lender is to check your credit and your financial picture. If it appears that you need money for any reason, the likelihood of approval for financing is almost nil. However, if you appear financially stable with plenty of unused credit and a steady job and money in savings, every financial institution is clamoring to lend you money. So how does this relate?

It is my opinion, that love and relationship operate in the same way. Let’s say you go to the love bank and ask for a boyfriend/girlfriend, a serious one perhaps leading to marriage. The love bank manager takes a look at you and says. You work too much, you spend all of your money, your credit cards are maxed-out, you have diminished self esteem and a broken heart from the last one, you’re physically and emotionally bankrupt, and you don’t trust anyone. REJECTED!!! Now, you are really in need of someone to save you so you continue looking at all of the B and C rated love lenders, bars, pick up joints, work, internet dating services, personal ads until you find someone who is as needy as you are. You need someone to rebuild your self-esteem and reassure you that you are indeed lovable.

WRONG!!!!!

Although I have never been fond of credit reporting agencies and the use of their information by lending institutions, there is some validity in their strategy that is applicable to relationship coaching. In order to be ready for a serious relationship, one must achieve the following:

1. Desire to be in relationship
2. Self – esteem. Know that you are attractive and have something to offer another person.
3. Financial stability. At least enough income to take care of your housing and basic needs and minimal credit card debt.
4. Work. A job that satisfies some of your achievement needs.
5. Vulnerability. Enough healing that you are able to share your authentic self with this person.
6. Love. An abundance for yourself with enough left over to share with another person.

I am not saying that you must be in perfect shape. What I am saying, however, is that you will attract a person who is your balance, someone who has the same or different issues in the same proportions. If you are needy, you will attract neediness. If you have intimacy issues you will attract someone who is shut down. So it is in your best interests to undertake a personal redevelopment plan prior to looking for a relationship. Be the best you that you can be to offer to another person. This seems to be a great way to start the new year. Funny, how it usually happens that someone who has been taking extraordinary care of themselves and not looking for a relationship suddenly finds him/herself in love.

Relationship coaching is life coaching. Life becomes extraordinary when we discover that being absolutely committed to taking care of ourselves, leads to abundance in every aspect of our lives.

Is He Just A Friend Or He Loves You?

This is a common situation. You know many men. Some of them are friends. Out of them one wants to be more than a friend with you. But he does not know how to tell you that? Are there any signs that will tell you that he is interested in you? Let us try to find out.

Friends always talk to each other freely. They laugh, make fun of each other and occasionally speak with each other in not a very civil way. If that man is interested in you, he will do none of this. Forget talking freely, he will find it difficult to speak to you. You will sometimes catch him looking at you intently, but as soon as you turn towards him, he will turn away. He would never make it obvious that he was watching you. If any time some body makes fun of you, you will find everybody joining the fun, but not this man. He would rather look at the fun maker with anger. If any time you knock yourself against any object, others may ignore that, but not your hero. He will surely come and ask you if he can help.

Being in love and being a friend are two different things. Friendship is devoid of romantic love. There is no place for passion in friendship. Friends share everything without any need of protection. Friends are not bothered if they show their wilder side to other friends. Rather they love that. Friends don't talk with each other in hushed tone and never feel shy of each other. Friends don't care about what they wear amongst friends. Friends are more like a group of like - minded people who enjoy each other's togetherness and behave more like siblings.

Romantic love stands at the other extreme. You will never catch a lover wearing something that can be commented upon negatively. A romantic lover does everything with a single objective - please his/her beloved. You will not find a romantic lover speaking the way friends do. Romantic lovers are not very open with each other and feel shy of each other’s presence. The flies in the stomach of a romantic lover when he/she looks at the beloved make all the difference. Now you know what signs to look for in a friend and find out if he thinks of you as a friend or his object of love.

How To Win Back Your Ex Easily

I can't even begin to describe the emotional pain and turmoil that is felt from a breakup, and if you are dealing with it then I certainly feel for you as I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on even my worst enemy. Many people will be quick to tell you that it will get better, or that time heals all wounds, but if you are anything like me that is the last thing that you want to hear. Coping with a breakup is a difficult thing, but if you are not happy with the situation that you are in now, and you want to win back your ex, here are some suggestions that can help you get on the road to recovery.

One of the biggest mistakes that is made by many is to try too hard to get back into the relationship. If they have terminated the bond because of something that you did, or if you just simply grew apart then you need to get a level head and do some evaluating. Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center. On the left side write everything that you know about the person as they were when you first met them as far as their likes and dislikes and anything that you can write about their personality. Try to be totally honest, and not look at them through rose colored glasses. Now on the right side make the same list, but do it from the perspective of when you broke up. What kind of a person were they then? Now do the same thing for you on another sheet of paper. Do you notice any differences?

Those differences could just hold the key to win back your ex. Just make those changes in your life, and make sure that they are able to see the changes. Strive to be everything that they would want you to be. Of course you would not want to flaunt those changes, go about them naturally and they will notice the difference. Then as you are able, try to talk to your ex and be a good listener, try to grow the relationship again without letting them know that you are doing so and let the relationship blossom again naturally.

Whoever said it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all probably never lost the love of their life.

How to Find Out If Your Wife or Girlfriend Is Cheating On You

What drives a woman to cheat may look a lot different than what drives a man to cheat however; it’s really not very different. Most extramarital affairs happen because of unmet needs in the relationship.

When your girlfriend or wife is unhappy in your relationship, you’d better watch out because women tend to have affairs when they feel disconnected from the marital relationship.

If you would just take a moment to look and listen, there are warning signs that are staring you right in the face. Below are the five most common signs that your wife or girlfriend might be having an affair, or at least is in danger of having one. 

The capability of tracking a cell phone user becomes important in emergency situations, like a car accident, thru the use of 911 emergency phone call, where every minute may be a matter of life or death. In situation like this, the GPS system may pinpoint the exact location of the road accident, enabling emergency services to be quickly dispatched.

It is important to mention that so far most GPS system in cell phone (telefone celular) is restricted to tracking information only. However, one can have navigational capability thru the use of full screen cell phone/PDA combos with map displays and other cellular phone accessories, and third party paid services. 

If one does not want to sign up for a monthly paid subscription service, he can make use of one-time-paid-only software programs that will enable some of the navigational capabilities. 

Although there are many benefits in using GPS cell phones (telefone celular), there are some people who are concerned about the violation of personal privacy. Since the US Congress has not authorized location tracking without actual evidence of wrongdoing, there have been court hearings which have not approved the requests of government agencies in obtaining the cell phone GPS tracking information for suspects or ordinary citizens. 
She doesn’t mind you spending a lot of your free time with you friends, watching TV, or playing on the computer (or any other thing that you do a lot of).

There are some women who don’t mind this to start with but this becomes a problem when at some point in the past your wife did mind these things. The fact that she no longer has a problem with them could mean that she feels you are not invested in the relationship.

She doesn’t ask you to go out with her the way she used to.

Most women need an emotional connection in order to feel desire. If she feels she does not have that connection with you she will start to pull away sexually. As she develops an emotional connection with another male what is left of her emotional connection to you will start to wane further.

There are ups and downs in every marriage. Try to remember that one of these signs by itself does not signify that an affair is taking place. If you only see a couple of signs you should count yourself lucky and work to improve that area of your marriage. However; when you see multiple signs then you need to heed their warning. If an affair is not taking place it soon will be. Take the steps necessary to protect your most important asset, your marriage. 
Brandi Simon is the owner of Marital Matters where she offers articles and information for those suffering the effects of an extramarital affair and other relationship issues. Brandi is an affair survivor who has successfully rebuilt her marriage from the ashes and offers advice to those who are recovering. To learn more about the website or Brandi, please visit Brandi Simon is the owner of Marital Matters where she offers articles and information for those suffering the effects of an extramarital affair and other relationship issues. Brandi is an affair survivor who has successfully rebuilt her marriage from the ashes and offers advice to those who are recovering.

Unhappy Marriage: Should You Stay or Leave?

There’s no one simple answer to the question that I’m often asked, “Should I stay in my marriage, even though I’m unhappy, or should I leave?” It’s impossible to give a “one size fits all” response because every marriage is different.


But there are some general guidelines that you can consider if you’re in this situation. Use these thirteen tips to reflect on your marriage, your energy level, your commitment, and the degree of your dissatisfaction.

1. Don’t give up prematurely. You have invested time, energy, money, hopes and dreams in your marriage. The only way many people can initiate divorce without feeling unduly guilty is to know that they have tried everything they possibly could to make the marriage better. It just makes good sense to focus on how you can improve the relationship you’re in now.


2. Consider your children and how a divorce could impact them. Divorce is never easy. Preschool children and kids who are still in school will be affected in ways grown children are not, such as possible changes in schools if a parent moves, a parent possibly having to work two jobs to make it financially, the loss of daily contact with both parents, etc.

3. If your spouse has an addiction or is abusive, utilize all resources and support groups that offer help. For example, If your spouse is an alcoholic, join Al-Anon, which provides support for family members, and get your teenage children involved in Alateen so they can get the support they need to deal with the home situation. Of course, a top priority is keeping your children safe, so do not keep them in any situation that is dangerous for them.

4. Focus on how you can change yourself to be a better partner instead of how you want to “fix” your spouse. When you work on improving yourself and changing non-productive habits and approaches, then your spouse will have to relate to you differently. You may have gotten in a habitual mode of pushing each other’s buttons in the same way and always eliciting the same response. But if you change your normal response, then the interaction between the two of you will change.


5. Have on-going support from a counselor who knows your issues and what you are going through. This will give you the help and encouragement you need to keep trying new things and experimenting with new approaches.

6. Encourage your spouse to consider marriage counseling. If finances are a problem, call your local Chamber of Commerce or the mayor’s office and ask which agencies in your community offer sliding scale fees based on income. Also, some churches offer counseling services, and some ministers provide counseling. Don’t automatically assume that you can’t afford counseling.

7. Examine whether or not you are depending too much on your spouse to meet your needs or “make you happy.” No one else can make you happy; it’s an inside job. And no one person can meet all the needs of another. That’s why you need friends, hobbies, and outside activities. Expand your world and see if this takes some of the pressure off of your marriage.

8. Keep a gratitude journal each day, listing all of the things you are thankful for in your life. Each day, try to find five or six new things to list that you haven’t written down before. During the day, notice what happens that’s a blessing: the friendly sales clerk who efficiently handles your refund with a smile, the parking space that suddenly opens up just when you need it, or an unexpected compliment from a co-worker.

9. Make a list of your spouse’s positive qualities and contributions to your marriage, including things he or she has done that you appreciate. Read over this list every morning and every evening, anchoring these good points in your mind. At some point, share your list with your spouse.

10. Make a consistent effort to be positive and encouraging. Sandwich any criticism or request for a change in behavior between two compliments. For example, “You’re always so responsible about mowing the yard each weekend. Could you also sweep the grass clippings off the sidewalk? Thanks for all you do to help keep the yard looking so good.”

11. Work on keeping your heart open in love to your spouse. It’s easy to close down emotionally when you’re angry or hurt. Visualize beams of love or golden light radiating out from your heart to your spouse’s heart. You can dislike the behavior but still love the person. When you send the energy of judgment and criticism to another, the response will be very different than when you send the energy of unconditional love.

12. Try writing your thoughts, feelings, and requests in a letter to your spouse. There are many spouses who have responded positively to a letter who have been notorious for tuning out the spouse’s verbal pleas for years. It’s a different medium of communication, and it often commands more attention.

13. When you have given your marriage your best efforts for at least a year and nothing has changed, then ask yourself the famous Ann Landers question, “Are you better off with him (or her) or without him?” Life is too short to stay stuck in a miserable marriage for years if you are the only one who wants your relationship to be different. Even at this point, though, sometimes the shock of having a spouse initiate a legal separation makes the other partner finally realize the seriousness of the situation and agree to work on the marriage.

Why Men Cheat

Why do men cheat is a question that is not so easy to answer and before we even start we have to clarify what we really mean by cheating. Cheating to some people is just glancing at a good looking woman as she walks down the street or thinking about that sexy looking number that’s displayed on the calendar or thinking ‘if only I was single ….’.

At what point a women believes her partner is cheating on her is largely dependant on her level of insecurity. A woman who lacks confidence, doesn’t feel good about herself and is full of insecurities might become paranoid at the mere mention of another woman while someone who is full of self-confidence and is comfortable in herself and with her relationship is far less likely to get concerned with straying eyes and a meaningless comment.

Before answering the question ‘why do men cheat’ we need to confirm our understanding as to what is normal behavior for a man. Can we get upset when a man enjoys a little flirtatious behavior or remarks on the good looks of super model if the act or comment bears no substance? An innocent action that in no way impacts the way a man feels about his partner is harmless, it’s how much he is and can be trusted to draw the line that matters.

Cheating has been made easier over the years with couples often leading relatively separate lives with the lone trips to the gym, the night out with the lads / girls and the common reluctance to find activities that can be enjoyed together. Then there’s the children to consider so couples often take separate holidays and work different hours which all add up to lots of time when you can meet someone else. It’s not even intentional but the likelihood that a friendship will start and progress is far greater than if you were in the company of your partner.

Often men see sex as just fulfilling a need, a way to satisfy themselves certain in the belief that if they have no real feelings for the person they are sleeping with then it’s not really cheating. They fail to see the wider implication of what impact it will have on their partner.

One of the main reasons why men cheat is when the intimacy has been lost from their relationship, when they have had enough of ‘not tonight I have a headache’, or ‘I’m too tired’ or ‘no the children might hear’. Men have sexual desires and sexual needs that need to be fulfilled so if the love, romance and intimacy has been lost in your relationship your man will be far more inclined to seek fulfillment elsewhere.

Some men just seem born to cheat and it’s in their very nature to sample what’s on offer. Such men are hard to form a relationship with but it is often apparent from the outset as too what type of relationship a woman is letting herself in for. An old friend of mine just couldn’t resist the handsome hunks on the beach, the ones that really loved themselves and thought they were god’s gift. She knew that they would soon move on and that she was just a passing phase but she just couldn’t help herself, got caught time and time again and every relationship ended in tears because she just wasn’t strong enough to cope.

It is thought that cheating men fail to have any feelings of guilt until after the event and, it has to be said, the longer man get away with it the more likely they are to continue with men having a greater tolerance and liking for risk.

For some men cheating is a way to boost their ego with each additional conquest enhancing their ego and being seen, in certain circles as a real status symbol. The ultimate impact on their relationship is something that never occurs to them at the time, when they are being outwardly encouraged to continue with their infidelities, and by the time they see the error of their ways it is generally too late.

It can never be said that men don’t know that cheating is wrong it’s at what point they consider the wider implications and what emphasis they place on perceived need which is perhaps different.

How to Tell if a Single Woman is Interested in You

I would like to share some information to single men on how to tell if a single woman is not interested in you. These are signs to look for:

• Conversations will be awkward and forced. After all, you are the only one trying to keep it going.
  
• Conversations and the tone in her voice will be neutral. Not necessarily negative, but they will be absent of that up-beat positive mood that an interested girl gives.
  
• The important thing to remember is that most single girls don't want to hurt your feelings. So, if they aren't interested, they will be just neutral in their tone and expect you to pick up the fact that there is an absence of a "come on" in their manner. Many men will assume that since a girl hasn't come out and said "drop dead," then maybe she is interested

Don't forget, if you aren't sure whether or not a girl is interested in you, then she probably is not. When a girl is interested, she will let you know.

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